Hockey makes me happy

I played hockey last night for the first time in 2 years.

I can still play!

I was worried that I'd have forgotten everything I learned, however, after the skills session was over, I realized that I was as good as I was three years ago - with one tiny exception. Stick handling was a bit off. At first it felt awkward and foreign, but as time went on it felt a bit better. Not quite as good as I used to be, but close. However, as hockey-style stick handling was never my forte, I'm ok with it. I'm sure I'll pick it up again. Its amazing how the body remembers how to do things after years of non-use.

It was amazing to feel so free, to remember a part of my life that I'd long forgotten. And despite all my intense baby-yearnings lately, last night I was pretty glad that I wasn't pregnant. I felt free, and I felt energized, and I was flying around the ice.

Now I feel a LOT more "free" to get pregnant again. I won't have that "oh its been so long since I've played, I bet I forget how to play" intimidation on me. This will definitely unlock that tiny bit of resistance and resentment about getting pregnant again that's been there in the back of my brain these last 2 months of attempted conception. I know that even if I'm off for another 2 years with a pregnancy and a young infant, that hockey will still be there for me when I'm ready to come back.

I feel so free with that now.

Getting ready for the game, I felt a bit shaky, as it was the first time out there since so many things happened in my life - losing my father, my abdominal surgery, a new job (twice) and recovery from postpartum depression. The last time I tried to play was 3 months after my daughter was born, and I was so exhausted and out of shape I barely lasted 30 minutes. Getting dressed last night I had the shakes so bad, I had a lump in my throat, I was so nervous. What would happen if everything in the past was just so difficult and I'd never be able to play again? What if my body had changed so much that hockey was just not going to be possible anymore?

However, 10 minutes on the ice, I knew I was going to be fine. I felt like I was in much better shape than I was 2 years ago. It was one more victory I've reclaimed back since all of my pain and strife. One more giant step towards getting back to who I used to be. And that makes me insanely happy.

A pretty good feeling.

I love team sports - I get so enthralled into them I forget about everything else. Minutes and hours pass and I dont even realize it. I dont hear the people in the stands, I forget about work, about my troubles, all the things that have been on my mind, my babylust, my worries, and I just follow the play, skate, challenge, challenge..

protect my net..
get into position..
woops they're on a breakaway..
get going..
get going...
..*gasping for breath*..
..speed wobble...
..laughing..
laughing...
..high on adrenaline..

..a huge feeling of accomplishment for us old gals as we try to hoof our butts around the arena...

..socializing in the dressing room after the game with other fellow hockey-princess-warriors...

I forgot how fun that was.